The Mall & I: A Doomed Relationship

Oh Mall,

    There was a time when I used to like you, as unlikely as it seems now. It was a long time ago now, when I was much younger, and ran around on much smaller legs. A long time ago when I actually ran. You were a world of possibilities, really. An infinite number of shops housing an infinite number of things that I could hold and gaze at and fawn over. You seemed humongous, a vast forest to be explored. 

   But now. Now that I’ve grown, you don’t seem as infinite, as if you stretched on for miles and miles, a never-ending road of blinding ceiling lights, and shiny reflecting floors. 

   I mean, it’s fine, I don’t need you to be infinite. In fact, I’m happy that you aren’t, because at least now I know that this world of crappiness that you house doesn’t actually go on forever. 

   Now when I visit you I want to walk away in the opposite direction, find a hole somewhere, and stay there while my minions do all my shopping. Except I can’t do that because I don’t actually have minions. 

   I mean, firstly you’re FULL of people. Not the best thing for an anti-social hermit, so that part’s really my problem. But all the rubbish that’s in you. I mean, really? What are they making these days? I don’t understand. In my day, the hemlines, whether they were way above, or way below the knee/midriff/calf/whatever, actually stayed one consistent length for the whole circumference. I mean, what is this fluctuation, this sine, cosine graph thing that shirts have going on these days? I don’t want a big flapping section hanging way past my bum, and then the front bit coming just below my chest. No. NO.

   And then you have all these ridiculous t-shirts. Actually, it’s not so much the t-shirts that are ridiculous as the sayings on them. “I Wanna Be Famous”. “Cute Kitty”. “CUL8R”. “BRBLOL. I am not even kidding about the last one. Why does that even have to be on a t-shirt? Be right back? 

   Mall, your clothes make me want to flop down onto the floor and stay there forever. And they make me wonder if I’m not actually Bruce Banner, who stepped right out of Marvel comics and now has to try and control the immense rage that wells up whenever I visit you.

   Also, Mall, you need to do something about the young girls’ section. I, as an older sister, cannot avoid that place and it pains me to have to wade through what looks like aisle after aisle of clothes that are apparently covered in Barney the Dinosaur vomit. Always the glitter. Always the pink. Why? WHHHYYY? My sister and I are forced to visit the boys’ section to get clothes in any colour that isn’t pink. Pink and glitter? That’s what defines young girls for you? 

   By this point, I generally want to do more than just flop down onto the floor. I want to flop down onto the floor and make great, keening animal noises, something loud and sorrowful to convey my despair, so loud that they’ll have to call security to come drag me away and I will be known forever as  the girl who cried over the abundance of pink and ridiculously sewn shirts. I might even make it onto the morning paper.

   Maybe then, Mall, you’ll get your shizz together. 

     Lady Disdain  


8 thoughts on “The Mall & I: A Doomed Relationship

  1. Ugh I agree with this so much. I used to feel the same way about malls and now I feel disgust everywhere I turn at their insipid, ridiculous fashion, the sexist ads everywhere and all the trappings of the very WORST of consumerism… And the people – I don't feel like I can relate to or even mildly like most of the shoppers…


  2. I avoid the mall like the plague unless I absolutely need to purchase something for myself or my kids. When I do go, I try to go as early as possible to avoid crowds and lines. Lol about the skirt style…I'm waiting for that style to pass. Funny enough, a few months ago I had to go dress shopping for a formal function and some of the dresses at the shop I went to had fancy gowns with that short/long cut on them.


  3. Oh man, this is both hilarious and profound and so so true.

    ” I mean, what is this fluctuation, this sine, cosine graph thing that shirts have going on these days?”

    Dude I know right? WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?? My friend and I have come up with a way to combat the crushing waves of despair every time we walk into those sections of the mall ; find the most vapid, tacky shirts on the racks (and these clothes are very often also deeply sexist/racist/some other problematic -ist), take pictures of them, and laugh. It's retail therapy at its finest and cheapest.


  4. Yup, early bird avoids the crowds.
    I – I just don't UNDERSTAND those skirts & shirts. I mean, ok, obviously some people like it, but then it bugs me when they don't supply the normal shirts & skirts as well for us mortals. Gah.


  5. Ooo, you, the Queen of Hilarity, thinks I'm hilarious? Such compliments.

    YES! WHAT ARE THEY? I literally do not understand. I can't emphasize it enough. What is even the POINT? People will wear whatever's on the racks it seems.
    Haha, your retail therapy sounds rather soothing, Ima try it.


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